Rejection hurts. It's incredibly painful to feel like you're not wanted—and we mean painful. fMRI studies have shown that rejection modulates brain activity in several neural regions that process physical pain. And the language we use to describe waste mirrors that experience.
The researchers recorded more than a dozen languages that associated rejection with hurt, such as "crushed" or "broken-hearted." So why does rejection produce such a strong reaction, and is there a way to deal with this unique kind of pain?
Psychologists often describe rejection as what happens when we believe that others do not value our social connections. This can happen when we are rejected by a romantic partner, excluded from a group, or outright discriminated against.
But it is worth noting that these interpersonal responses have a social element that distinguishes them from non-employment. In these experiences, we perceive the rejecting party as undervaluing our relationship.
And while the pain of rejection is often what we value in a relationship,
even rejection from relative strangers can hurt our feelings. This may seem like an overreaction, but just as physical pain alerts us to perceived threats to our physical health, hurt feelings alert us to perceived threats to our social well-being. I warn.
Some behavioral psychologists say that this warning system evolved when our prehistoric ancestors lived in small tribes and depended on everyone they knew for survival. These humans may be prepared to perceive rejection as a potential threat to their safety.
This type of evolutionary theory is impossible to verify,
but where this warning system comes from does not include instructions on how to process this intense emotional experience. So, try asking yourself these questions the next time you feel rejected. The first thing to consider is your relationship with the person who rejected you.
Is it someone who knows you well and whose opinion you value? Or is it just a loose acquaintance? If it's the latter, it might help you answer another question: Does this rejection really matter?
It may sting when a stranger doesn't laugh at your joke, but there's no point in reacting strongly to rejection that has little impact on your life. Of course, even minor reactions are easy to brush off, because how you perceive yourself factors into the equation.
You probably feel more confident in some situations than others,
and people are especially sensitive to rejection in situations where they have low self-esteem. So much so, that they also become more likely to misinterpret other people's neutral responses as rejection.
That's why it can be helpful to both reflect on your own perspective and ask yourself if the other person is actually rejecting you. This may seem like a strange question. But you may find that even though the other person didn't treat you the way you'd like, they still value your relationship.
In some cases, it's also helpful to consider whether you expected more acceptance than was reasonable. Unfortunately, after asking these questions, you may still conclude that your significant other doesn't value your relationship as much as you do.
It's a painful feeling, but it can help to remember two things. First of all, this rejection is not just about you. The other party wants something different from your relationship, and what they want is unreasonable, unfair, or not what you have to give.
Second, their rejection is not proof that there is something wrong with you.
The pain you are feeling is only part of a system that forces you to think about your relationships. And by reflecting on your own behavior, you can find clues to help you better understand rejection and think critically about your relationship with that person.
Every relationship and relationship is unique. But whatever the details, it's important to remember that you're never alone in all of this. Everyone deals with rejection throughout their lives—even those who seem confident in their relationships.
And one of the most common ways to deal with this universal experience is to reconnect with those who have already accepted you.
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